Perception

For as long as I can remember I have always thought of myself as unattractive and by no means pretty. I realize as a woman, I’m not alone in being discontent with my body, but I often feel that I am just as unattractive inside as I am on the outside, considering I’m highly introverted, often cantankerous, and easily flustered. Though I have been married for almost seven years, I still find it unbelievable. And the fact that I landed a pretty amazing man makes it seem even more incredible. But as I get older, it seems that self loathing has eased up a bit, despite the fact that my body looks worse now than it did before I even had kids.

When I was in my first year of middle school, I was sitting at my desk with one leg pulled up so my knee was against my chest, and a boy observed out loud that I had huge knees. Since that moment I have hated my legs, and when I look at them I see them as thick and monstrous. Shorts and skirts became my bane, though all I ever wanted was to wear them. Of course, now not only do I have beefy legs but I also have a squishy belly that has harbored three little people in the span of five years.

All that aside, I may not be physically pleasing to look at, but the things that have come from me, from the actions I have done to the three children I have brought into the world, are pretty significant.

Being a mother means letting go of introversion, at least to some degree. And for me, the opinions that end up meaning most are those of my kids. If my kids love me and know without a doubt that I love them, if they go out into the world confident and loving themselves, then I know I have done well, and THAT is what means more than anything else. It DOES help, too, that my children tell me I am beautiful, and that my daughter tells me that I am NOT fat. ツ