Doom and Gloom

For me, when I entered into the realm of motherhood, I also jumped into the abyss of fatalistic thinking. Before my children actually came into my life, I imagined that being a mom would bring spirited outings, lighthearted playtime, and cuddly downtime. Of course I knew parenthood would NOT be a piece of a cake, but one thing I wasn’t expecting when my first child so ceremoniously sprung from my loins was the creeping sensation of apprehension that I almost always have that something terrible is going to happen to my children.

We have all had that moment when our child has passed from our sight and we have absolutely no idea where they are. The rock that drops in our gut, the pummeling of our heart against our chest, the dark thoughts of kidnappers and rabid dog attacks… Not fun. The minute I lose sight of one of my children, the fatalistic thinking kicks in. And having more than one kid can really be unnerving since having to keep your eyes on two little bodies running every which way is not always an easy task. I can only imagine the mini heart attacks I’m going to experience once my third child learns to walk and explore the world on her own.

Of course, the momentary absence from our line of vision isn’t the only producer of anxiety. I have random images of unleashed dogs in attack mode dashing after my children (one reason why I DO NOT like people unleashing their dogs, no matter how “good” they claim they are). Practically every move my son takes sends my heart thrashing as memories of his split head incident are relived. Even driving with my kids in the car unsettles me as I contemplate car accidents and car problems.

Sometimes I feel like I am such a Debbie Downer with all these awful thoughts ricocheted around in my head, but I suppose it helps to keep me more observant on my, and my children’s, surroundings, and be more poised when it comes to protecting my three little munchkins. I will admit, though, that THIS was definitely not something I had expected when I became a mom, but of course, I would never give up motherhood even for an untroubled mind.