What Part of "No" Don't You Understand?

Despite the fact that I seem to say “no” quite often, as a parent saying “no” to my children can sometimes be one of the hardest things I do.

The other day I explained to my son that if he wanted to go to a birthday party his big sister had been invited to, he had to help her pick up their toys. I’m not sure if most kids do this around the age of two, but he agreed and then proceeded to walk around the room, past the toys, and just sort of dilly-dallied around looking busy while his sister picked up all the toys. Since he didn’t pick up a single toy (and there were plenty he could have picked up), I told him he wasn’t going to go to the party. Of course he cried, and his little sad face and elephant tears always pull at my heartstrings, but I had to stick to my guns. I took my older daughter (and of course the baby, since she is still breastfeeding) to the party and left my son at home with his aunt. The entire time we were driving to the party I felt so bad for keeping my son getting to go, especially since he had been looking forward to going all day. But I also knew that I did the right thing, especially if I want my son to know that I mean what I say.

Teaching lessons to our children, like giving a punishment as a consequence to their misbehavior and following through with that punishment so they know we mean business, can sometimes be difficult, especially when it means we have to withhold something we know they would take pleasure in. But the stability we give them by keeping our word, even if it’s not to their benefit, I believe goes a long way, seeing that if we keep our word when we dole out punishments we are bound to keep our word when we promise rewards.

Stability, trust, consequences, responsibility, respect… There is so much we can impart onto our children. It’s no wonder parenting can feel so overwhelming!

Happy Birthday!!

Five years ago today I officially became a mother. To be honest, I still find myself shocked by the idea of me being a mom, and this whole life I am living can seem rather unreal at times. I  don’t always feel that I am qualified to be a mom, but the love I have for my three little monsters is so incredibly intense that I cannot imagine NOT having them in my life and not being THEIR mom.

Watching our children grow can be such a bittersweet experience. My once tiny little baby girl has grown into such a remarkable little person, and I am constantly struck by all that she is and all that she has become in just five short years. From the sheer joy expressed in her little face at seeing her friends, to genuine declarations of gratitude for gifts, my little girl is becoming a little lady, despite all her recalcitrance on my behalf.

Seeing beyond the cover of our children and getting to read their true story at times can be difficult. When I am constantly saying “stop” and “don’t do that” and “go to timeout” sometimes I lose sight of what astonishing little beings I have brought into this world. More often than not I seem to find fault in my parenting with my perpetual nitpicking, which I believe is my predominant failing as a mom. But when I see my children in action in the real world, with their peers, I am convinced that I am indeed NOT failing my children and I am truly doing an acceptable job of raising them. 

Happy Birthday Princess!!

1-2-3 Magic!

I am no stranger to unruly children. And being the huge book worm that I am, I have a good number of self-help books on children and discipline, most of which have actually been very beneficial in not only helping me manage my children better but also in putting me more at ease as a mother. The last book I read was suggested to me by a friend (which is how I come across most of my self-help books): 1-2-3 Magic by Thomas W. Phelan. In essence, I discovered the magic of counting.

I’ll admit this is in no way a new idea. It just wasn’t one I personally was using. But it has worked wonders with my children, and my sanity. Instead of distressing myself over my children’s “selective hearing” or experiencing the anxiety I would get after repeatedly explaining to my children what they were doing wrong and why it’s wrong, I have now settled on just counting, and if they are unable to correct their behavior by the count of three (a.k.a. the third warning), the consequence is time out. My children know the behaviors that are inappropriate (yes, my children even know the word “inappropriate”), so when I tell them, “That’s one!” they know what I’m talking about and they can then either choose to discontinue that behavior or set themselves up for a second warning, easy as that.

Let me tell you, this whole counting business is pretty fantastic. It keeps the punishments consistent and predictable, and the best part is it keeps my sanity in check. The irritation that inevitably arises from continually hounding my children about a particular behavior, like whining, doesn’t even show its head when I use the counting method. It’s simply magical!!

Say Cheese!!

I'm a mom, hence I'm a professional photographer. Ok, well, an amateur professional photographer. And THIS amateur professional photographer absolutely loves to photograph her babies. 

I may be biased, but I truly believe I have some amazingly beautiful and highly photogenic children. 

Their smiles can warm my heart and turn any gray day into the sunniest, most radiant day.

"The soul is healed by being with children." ~ English Proverb

Wasn't That Fun?!!

I have found that the act of planning “exciting” things for my kids to do can sometimes be way more fun then when my kids actually get to do them. As a parent, getting to experience my children’s “firsts” can be so exciting, but sometimes the reality has been disproportionate to my expectations.

The last time we went to SeaWorld was about three years ago. I thought my daughter would love seeing the dolphins and multi-colored fish, and possibly even enjoy watching Shamu do his renowned acrobatics. After listening to my daughter cry and whine for about two hours, I finally decided to just call it a day. The minute we stepped out of the park and into the parking lot she cried and screamed that she wanted to go back in. I felt like the whole outing had been a waste of time and money, and now I was stuck with a very unhappy kid. Definitely not a happy momma moment.

I enrolled my daughter into ballet when she was about three, thinking she would love to get all dressed up and frolic around with all the other little girls. Considering pretending she was a ballerina was already a favorite pastime, I figured the class would be a big hit. After the first class, she never really cared to go back. She hardly paid attention in the class as it was, and after the five weeks were over she didn’t even seem to notice that we had stopped going. Undeniably not how I expected that experience to transpire.

The first time we took my older daughter to Disneyland she was about three-and-a-half (her brother was about one-and-a-half). I was so excited for her first Disneyland experience, but when we got there, she lasted about an hour then wanted to go home. All day I got to hear, “Can we go home now?” Even getting to see the Disney Princesses wasn’t as exciting as it was for me (I started getting all emotion waiting in line thinking she was going to be so eager to see them). Afterward, I was worried I had ruined any chance of her “love” for Disneyland by taking her at too young an age and giving her unpleasant memories of the place. Thankfully our second Disneyland trip (about a year later) was a VERY enjoyable experience, dispelling all previous doubts of my daughter’s love for Disneyland.

My kids just recently got to experience their first train ride. I thought for sure they would love to sit in the fast moving train and watch the scenery fly by, but after about ten minutes they were ready to get off, and we still had just under an hour left until we reached our destination.

Most of my disappointing firsts have been with my older daughter. Since she is my first (THAT first has not been a disappointment), and since she’s also a very opinionated little person, it’s through her I have learned most of what I understand and expect from my children.

I have come to appreciate a child’s response to various situations and activities as uniquely their own, and that different kids take pleasure in new experiences at different stages in their life. I do believe that my daughter would enjoy SeaWorld if we were to go now, and I KNOW she enjoys Disneyland now. I believe she would enjoy doing ballet classes now, though I think she would enjoy doing gymnastics more (since I have opened my eyes more to the person she is and to the activities she likes most). I have always been one to tolerate others and their differences. Why I have had a hard time granting my children the same curtsey simply baffles me. But allowing my children to be who they are, instead of who I want them to be, has been the most humbling, and yet incredibly rewarding, lesson I have learned as a mother.

"Mommy, what does 'more' mean?"

I have a degree in English, and I consider myself to have a pretty good vocabulary, but when my four-year-old comes up to me and asks me what certain words mean, sometimes I find myself at a loss as to how exactly to explain them to her. That “pretty good vocabulary” of mine seems to put me at a disadvantage since it’s the big words I always know, and it’s usually WITH big words that I use to define those other big words. Like most mom’s I do enjoy playing games with my kids, but the game of “what does that mean” isn’t exactly one of my favorites if it's the result of me defining word after word because I keep giving her words she doesn’t know.

Perhaps I should invest in a children’s dictionary now instead of waiting until my kids can actually read and use one themselves…

Of course, the challenge in figuring out how to define a word so a four-year-old understands it has been a whole new game in itself, and one I never really thought about before I had kids, but one I find rather enjoyable. However, I can only imagine the games of “Mom, Why is the Sky Blue” and “Mom, How Many Stars are in the Sky” I know I’ll face in the not so distant future. One step at a time! Before I know it I’ll be playing the games that require me to relearn everything I once learned in school, but can not now remember.

But of course, I would never trade any of this because motherhood has been the best adventure I have ever embarked on. 

"Mommy, I can spell your name!"

When my four-year-old daughter came up to me and told me she could spell my name, I was eager to hear it, not only because my name is eight letters long but also because every day she is amazing me at what new words she can spell (she can already spell her brother and sister’s names in addition to her own). So to my response of, “Really?!!” she proceeded to spell, “M-O-M-M-Y!” Ha! She got me there!! But in all reality, I suppose that IS my name, because since she was born that has been exactly who I am: mommy.

I’ll admit that when my daughter came screaming into this world, I wasn’t exactly equipped to be a mom (who really is when they have their first child?), but what surprised me most was that it actually took me a couple of weeks to really feel the “mom” role. It even took me a few days to really bond with my daughter, much to my dismay. I had always wanted a daughter that I would be as close to as I am with my own mom (which is REALLY close), and the fact that I had to work for that first connection really threw me. But then again, the whole motherhood thing in the beginning never felt real, and when it did finally settle in and hit me, that connection finally seemed to materialize out of nowhere. 

That delayed bond worried me to no end, especially because I knew we would have at least one more kid and I didn’t want to feel that way again, since it sort of made me feel like less of a mom. But when my son was born, then later my third daughter, that connection was right there the moment they were conceived.

Sometimes I worry that I may end up not being as close with my oldest daughter as I want, especially because she is a very independent little girl. And being a four-year-old about to turn five definitely puts her in that stage of self-reliance, I'm only more determined to build our relationship (though in all reality I will always strive to have a the best relationship possible with ALL my children). I definitely have high hopes, if only I can survive these "stages" all children seem to go through.

I think that’s one of the most difficult parts of motherhood for me: worrying that I may not have a good relationship with my children. My daughters and son are the world to me, and my existence pretty much belongs to them. I just wish that sometimes they would make things a little easier, but as my best friend once expressed: “When your child pushes all your buttons, just remember it’s their job… They are only testing you to see how seriously you take your job!” And with as much as they are checking to see that I am taking my job seriously, I’d have to assume they really want me to take my job seriously because I’m THEIR mom and they want it to continue to be that way. At least that’s what I like to tell myself…