"Mommy, I can spell your name!"

When my four-year-old daughter came up to me and told me she could spell my name, I was eager to hear it, not only because my name is eight letters long but also because every day she is amazing me at what new words she can spell (she can already spell her brother and sister’s names in addition to her own). So to my response of, “Really?!!” she proceeded to spell, “M-O-M-M-Y!” Ha! She got me there!! But in all reality, I suppose that IS my name, because since she was born that has been exactly who I am: mommy.

I’ll admit that when my daughter came screaming into this world, I wasn’t exactly equipped to be a mom (who really is when they have their first child?), but what surprised me most was that it actually took me a couple of weeks to really feel the “mom” role. It even took me a few days to really bond with my daughter, much to my dismay. I had always wanted a daughter that I would be as close to as I am with my own mom (which is REALLY close), and the fact that I had to work for that first connection really threw me. But then again, the whole motherhood thing in the beginning never felt real, and when it did finally settle in and hit me, that connection finally seemed to materialize out of nowhere. 

That delayed bond worried me to no end, especially because I knew we would have at least one more kid and I didn’t want to feel that way again, since it sort of made me feel like less of a mom. But when my son was born, then later my third daughter, that connection was right there the moment they were conceived.

Sometimes I worry that I may end up not being as close with my oldest daughter as I want, especially because she is a very independent little girl. And being a four-year-old about to turn five definitely puts her in that stage of self-reliance, I'm only more determined to build our relationship (though in all reality I will always strive to have a the best relationship possible with ALL my children). I definitely have high hopes, if only I can survive these "stages" all children seem to go through.

I think that’s one of the most difficult parts of motherhood for me: worrying that I may not have a good relationship with my children. My daughters and son are the world to me, and my existence pretty much belongs to them. I just wish that sometimes they would make things a little easier, but as my best friend once expressed: “When your child pushes all your buttons, just remember it’s their job… They are only testing you to see how seriously you take your job!” And with as much as they are checking to see that I am taking my job seriously, I’d have to assume they really want me to take my job seriously because I’m THEIR mom and they want it to continue to be that way. At least that’s what I like to tell myself…